the spilling the beans guide to thanksgiving
gobble gobble diva!
Happy Thanksgiving divas!! I thought I would send a quick little guide to having a fabulous day of thanks. I am currently writing this while seated for this morning’s Cher concert, known to some as the Macy’s Parade. I know many of you are bored sitting at family events, being forced to watch football or the dog show. I wanted to send a little newsletter to help you have the best holiday you can. So, here is a little guide to celebrating Thanksgiving.
Watch and Give Thanks:
Cher performing in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade: The most important thing this Thanksgiving is that everyone is seated for Cher performing at the Macy’s Parade. If you missed it, please go watch it online. If you saw it live, go watch it again.
Let’s Have a Kiki/Turkey Lurkey Time performed by the Glee Cast featuring Sarah Jessica Parker: a holiday staple. As important to Thanksgiving culture as buckled shoes and turkey.
Lady Gaga and the Muppets Holiday Spectacular: this year marks the 10th anniversary of this Thanksgiving special. Please celebrate accordingly. I will be linking the full show here, and adding in highlights below.
Trixie’s Thanks-living clip: 9 seconds of required holiday viewing.
Addams Family Values: is this THE Thanksgiving movie? Probably.
You’ve Got Mail: Did you forget the scene where Meg Ryan does her Thanksgiving shopping at Zabar’s and then fights with a young Che Diaz? Thankful for the genius that was Nora Ephron!
House of Yes: I will be watching this one for the first time this year. It’s a dark comedy, sounds absolutely insane, and has Parker Posey. That’s basically all the information I need to be interested. I will watch and report back!
A picture to be thankful for:
I don’t want to see any boring, lame Instagram posts of you just standing in a sweater in your front yard. Let’s see some creativity. Dress like a sexy pilgrim! Pose with a turkey! Refuse to let anyone eat until you’ve gotten your glamour shot at the table!
Food a.k.a the whole point of Thanksgiving:
My favorite thing to make for Thanksgiving is a reservation. If that’s out, stick to the classics and please make sure there is enough dessert. The ratio should be at least 1 dessert to each savory dish. Also, alcohol. Lastly, know what time McDonald’s closes.
How to pull focus at the family function:
This can be so important. You need to be the family member who everyone talks about on the way home. Don’t get overshadowed by your cousin who just got engaged/had a baby. Remember, all attention is good attention. Wear your sexy pilgrim look and say something controversial! Only you know how to really shock your own family, but here are some ideas to make a splash around the table:
When going around the table sharing things you are thankful for, say that you are most thankful for Trump’s 91 criminal charges.
Tell any man in your family that you think it’s really great that Taylor Swift’s boyfriend has made the NFL so popular this year.
Say that you will not be eating any turkey this year because of PETA's tweet and then shame everyone as they eat. Or, simply print this, pop it in a frame, and place it on the table. (You can also airdrop it to everyone at the table if you don’t own a printer)
Immediately one-up any announcement. Just make things up. A family member shares that they just got a promotion? Announce that you are actually secretly dating a random celebrity. One of the kids just got an award at school? You aren’t really supposed to be telling anyone yet, but Bravo has approached you about starring in a new reality show. Just lie!
Show up with a new tattoo or piercing and say nothing. Or simply allude to an unseen one.
Force everyone to stop what they are doing and watch the Let’s Have A Kiki/Turkey Lurkey Time video and/or the Gaga clips. Make sure that they are paying full attention and feel free to restart the videos just to make sure that no one missed a single moment!
Bring McDonald’s or any other fast food to eat at the table and act like that is completely normal. This will untimely confuse people, piss them off, and cause children to throw a fit all at the same time. Bonus: once everyone is done eating, find the dish that is completely gone and then complain that you didn’t get to have any of it.
Wear the Skims nipple bra.
Complain about the time of day that your family decided to have Thanksgiving.
Pretend to faint.
That’s all! I am thankful for each and every one of you who reads this newsletter. I know you are all very thankful every time a new Spilling the Beans hits your inbox. Most of all, I am so thankful that you all are so thankful for me and thankful that you know I am thankful and that you are thankful for me being thankful. Thank you!